Book Recommendations

We’re often asked for book recommendations as there are so many books on relationships and affair recovery, some good, some not so, and if can be confusing in what will be helpful and what won’t be.

There are two books we highly recommend to the following questions.

‘our relationship isn’t working and we don’t know what to. We want to understand what makes a better relationship’

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: by John Gottman

The Gottman’s are leading experts on relationships and John has studied them for over 45 years. This book looks at the main elements learnt from studying thousands of couples and describes these principles giving you practical guidance on how improve these areas in your relationship. It’s not a large academic book but gets down to a level that makes easy to read and to use. The Gottman’s have many resources on the internet, and this is always a good place to start to build a better relationship.

‘an affair has just been discovered in our relationship. We’re struggling to know what to do and how to repair this’

Healing from Infidelity: by Michele Weiner-Davis

This book, written by someone very experienced in relationship therapy and affair recovery, is very close to the model and approach use at the Relationship Centre, and extremely helpful giving guidance how to navigate through this seemingly impossible task of recovering and rebuilding trust. It has advice and support for the person betrayed and also the person who has had the affair, in both a non-judgemental and supportive way, giving you route to travel out this pain and upset.

Is My Partner a Narcissist? From The Gottman Institute

The answer is probably no since only .5%- 5% of the population is actually diagnosed with Narcissist Personality Disorder, but many people do exhibit narcissist-like behaviour. This behaviour can be very challenging in relationships and has a negative impact on your health and wellbeing.

Relationships are complex and require a delicate balance of emotional intelligence, trust, and mutual respect. However, when one partner exhibits narcissistic traits, maintaining this balance becomes significantly more challenging and can hinder genuine intimacy and connection in a relationship.

First what does narcissism look like?

Here are some traits associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

Sense of self-importance

Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success

Entitled

Can only be around people who are important or special

Interpersonally exploitative for their own gain

Arrogant

Lack empathy

Must be admired

Envious of others or believe that others are envious of them

According to Certified Gottman Therapist Dr. Dana McNeil, PsyD, this is how narcissistic behaviours show up in a relationship:

Passive aggressive behaviours

Shut down and stonewalling

Withholding sex

Gaslighting

Anger

High conflict

Boundary crossing

Persistent and ongoing flooding

Unwilling to apologize or take responsibility

The role of emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence, the ability to understand and manage one’s own emotions and those of others, is a cornerstone of healthy relationships. It fosters empathy, effective communication, and conflict resolution. However, in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits, these crucial aspects are undermined.

Lack of emotional intelligence blocks the ability to form deep, meaningful connections. Their focus on self-interest and disregard for their partner’s emotional needs leads to a breakdown in communication and trust. This emotional disconnect can cause significant distress for their partner.

It can be hard to change the relationship dynamics when narcissistic behaviours are present. Usually these behaviours started early in life and have become part of their personality. Social media reinforces such behaviour where it is considered socially acceptable. Changing the behaviour requires a willingness to be vulnerable without defensiveness and to show empathy towards their partner.

Strategies for dealing with narcissistic behaviour

Establish boundaries: It is important to set boundaries to protect ourselves. We are setting clear limits about what we will accept versus trying to change another person’s behaviour.

Support and self-care: Having a strong social support system can be helpful. Meaningful connections with friends and family are important to maintain.

Professional help: Seeking out help from a therapist is brave and can be a good step towards being healthy and protecting your well being.

Finally If both partners are invested in working on the relationship there are Gottman interventions that are effective. Because narcissistic behaviours are so challenging, they will likely need a Gottman trained therapist to work with them.

A I

A I

We all know the term Artificial Intelligence, but what about Artificial Inquiry and Authentic Inquiry?

When we’re listening to our partner speak, we have a choice of what inquiry (or enquiry) we use. If it’s artificial, we’re not doing it because we are truly interested in the person speaking and what they have to say, but more performing to get our needs met. How many people have falsely shown interest and compassion to their partner, but only to get an outcome they want. To avoid a conflict, to get away and watch the football, to keep them happy so they buy you that birthday present you want, or just to make the conversation as short as possible. You may believe you are really listening and want to listen, but are you really? Is one part of your mind thinking of other things?

Authentic inquiry is when you truly want to listen and understand, and in that moment, you have suspended all your needs and wants so you can tune into the person speaking, and in this way, learn about them and their inner thoughts and world. This becomes a form of Authentic and true listening.

Being listened to fully is a very powerful way to make connections.

The author, M. Scott Peck, describes this well in his book, The Road Less Travelled

“ True listening, total concentration on the other, is always a manifestation of love. An essential part of true listening is the discipline of bracketing, the temporary given up or setting aside one's own prejudices, frames of reference and desires so to experience as far as possible the speaker's world from the inside, stepping inside he's or her shoes. This unification of speaker and listener is actually an extension and an enlargement of oneself, and new knowledge is always gained from this. Moreover, since true listening involves bracketing, a setting aside of the self, it also temporarily involves total acceptance of the other. Sensing this acceptance, the speaker will feel less and less vulnerable and more and more inclined to open up to the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener. As this happens the speaker and listener begin to appreciate each other more and more, and the duet dance of love is again begun. The energy required for this discipline of bracketing and the focusing off total attention is so great that it can be accomplished only by love, by the will to extend oneself for mutual growth. Most of the time we lack the energy. Even though we may feel in our business dealings of social relationships that we are listening very hard, what we are usually doing is listening selectively with a preset agenda in mind, wondering as we listen how we can achieve certain desired results and get the conversation over with as quickly as possible or redirected in ways more satisfactory to us.”

Boundaries (Rules) in a Relationship.

All couples have different set of rules within the relationship, which may have been discussed, or may have just formed over time and not really reviewed. Good boundaries in a relationship keeps it safe, keeps the couple in their own ‘castle’ and stops someone or something forcing itself into the castle and therefore causing issues in the relationship.

If weak boundaries are in place, either thorough poor discussion or just gradually formed without review, then the chances of the relationship being challenged can become a higher risk. This might look like someone having a hobby that takes them away from their partner every weekend, and this leaves the partner feeling lonely and second best, or one or both meeting ex partners or friends of the opposite sex for intimate dinners or days spend together, which then leaves the other feeling unsure, jealous, or unimportant in that moment. If these things are agreed by the couple, they have talked though these different situations, risks, and both feel happy with the hobby or the other person taking their partner away, then often if well managed and reviewed, this can work successfully in a relationship.

But if this causes an issue, and either it’s not voiced, or if it is and their partner reacts with ‘you’re trying to control me’ the situation slowly erodes the relationship. The person left at home due to their partner’s excessive interest in their hobby may start to feel lonely, disconnected, and resentful. The person whose partner meets with opposite sex and is often communicating through social media, may start to create a worry that something might happen (an affair) that they are not good enough, that their partner would rather be with this other person than them. This creates a big disconnect and damages the relationship.

There’s not a right or wrong on these type of rules within a relationship, but sometimes even if it feels and seems okay, it doesn’t mean it’s a good way in helping the relationship grow and flourish. Constant checking your own feeling about what might be happening within the relationship, then talking it through, may then avoid it becoming too late to repair any damage caused.

Letting Go of the Person they Were.

To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they're too exhausted to be any longer. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out, to become speedily found when they are lost. But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honour what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame. Sometimes it will be a flicker that temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness. ~Heidi Priebe from her Book: This Is Me Letting You Go

Sex in Relationships.

Sex. How should it be and how do we get it right?

Often couples will talk about the issues and problems in their sex life, and the therapist’s job is to break these statements down and understand what is really happening.

One partner claiming they ‘don’t have sex enough’ might be saying, I’m not given a chance to feel close and connected, or ‘if they don’t want sex with me,’ it means they don’t love me. Another person who is saying they’re ‘not interested in sex’, might be saying they would be if they felt less tired, their partner was a more considerate lover, or if it wasn’t so painful.

Sex is only a problem in the relationship if it’s a problem for one or both partners. If both partners are happy with their sex life even if they only make love once a year, them the pressure from society, TV and friends, shouldn’t make this a problem for them. There’s no written sex-rules of only many times and how it should be for couples, it’s what is right for them.

If sex is an issue, then rather than see the other person as the problem, the couple need to discuss what is happening for them and see the messages underneath the original feelings/thoughts. This is often done in a counselling session as the counsellor can help guide the couple in making it a positive discussion to see if changes can be made.

Of course, sometimes the place both partners are with sex and their feelings about it can be very different and it can’t change, the couple need to come to terms with this and not let it be figural in causing a big disconnect. All they can do is to focus on other ways their needs can be met in the relationship, and so still feel more loved, cared for, close and connected.

Sometimes Actions Speak Where Words Can’t.

In therapy, most of the communication made is through words, and it’s encouraged that a couple use good communication through words to help the relationship grow, to avoid or repair conflict, or to simply express love and gratitude.

But for some people, expressing through words can be very difficult, but putting those words into an action is a way of ‘saying’ this is me expressing without words.

So;

Although it seemed your partner never expressed much interest in your struggles and stressors at work, they then book you a weekend away and this is saying, ‘I’m hearing your struggles and that you need a break to unwind.’

Although your partner never said much when you were talking about them sharing more household chores, noticing they have cleaned the kitchen is them saying, ‘I can hear you’re struggling and need more support, so I want to help.’

It’s often the meaning behind an action, and working out what the words would be, that then allows you to hear your partner even in their silence.

A journey to Make.

We met as equals, in words and silence

We grew with appreciation of difference and love.

We managed the changes that life can bring

And in all the chaos, never forgot each other.

We listened and spoke with gentle care

We wanted the best for both.

We grew older, as did lust and passion

But we grew older together, never closing our hearts.

We recognised that things sometimes felt wrong

but then looked into the eyes of our love to make it right.

We knew we didn’t always get it how it should be

We never stopped loving when it was this way.

We always knew what was most important in life

Not things or money or stuff, but simply us.

Tom

A Journey to Avoid

We met in wonder, lust and joy

We grew with understanding, dreams and hopes.

We collected, things, a home and children

We became busier, forgot our love and just did.

We noticed the gaps, the distance, but kept quiet

We feared falling, but didn’t listen to the other.

We grew rounder, our hair grey, our face older

We still did nothing to find what we lost.

We noticed the children leave to live their life

We even envied their new found early love.

We never spoke, only wished

Until it felt impossible.

Now we’re old, we think and regret

What we had so precious but lost.

In bitterness, conflict and hate

If only we could have shown some kindness

If only before it was too late.

Tom

The One Golden Rule.

Many couples ask us, “what makes a great relationship?”

This can be hard to answer in a few of sentences as there are many factors that contribute, but if we look at what one thing would make such a big difference in romantic relationship, it’s treating your partner how you want to be treated.

If you want your partner to show more affection, show more to them. If you would love your partner to say, “I’d love to share some time with you, come and watch this movie with me,” then say this to them. If you want them to be kind, then be kind, or if you would like them to kiss you more, then kiss them more. This doesn’t mean they will suddenly respond and provide what you are wanting, but it does open a door and invite them in. If you are not showing them affection, even if they want to show it to you, because you are withdrawn, and they feel pushed away so withdraw it from to protect themselves. One of you needs to be brave and offer what you want and break the deadlock.

It doesn’t guarantee they will respond, perhaps they just don’t feel that way about you nowadays, but it’s worth a try. Couples get locked into a pattern that becomes ‘real’ between them and they end up in it for so long it can eventually become what they feel comfortable with, and instead of challenging it, it becomes the accepted norm.

That statement of treating others like you would like to be treated is a great value to carry into all relationships and situations, and especially so with you partner. Be brave for a month. See if it makes a difference and then you can decide if it is/was worth it.

Talking about an Affair now, not tomorrow.

It’s easy for the person who has had an affair, and this has been revealed or discovered, not to want to talk about it, even if they know this is important. They may want to put it off until tomorrow or even the day after, and this short video explains why this doesn’t work.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhADkrtPlbM

Affair Understanding; The need to push against (and do something wrong)

Understanding affairs is a difficult thing, as affairs themselves are so complicated. It would be easier for all involved if there was just one reason why an affair happened. “It was the sex, it was because I don’t love you, it was because I was lonely, it was the drink”

But it’s never this easy to understand an affair. The reason for it is made up of many different elements, some conscious and some unconscious. It doesn’t excuse the act, but trying to put as many pieces together as you can, hopefully, this will this give more understanding and meaning, which is important for the later stages of recovery.

One element of an affair is often the internal conflict of the human psyche, which creates a push/pull within the mind. We all need security and routine, but then at times we want difference and excitement. We all need feelings of safety, but at times feel stimulated by risk. At times we’re happy with our life, seeing our home and family, our hobbies and routines as comforting and pleasant, and yet at times we see all of this as mundane, and feel we are wasting our lives and should be doing something more/better.

For most people, their moral compass and value system is stronger than the psyche’s need to split away, but for others, just occasional, this factor plays a small part in their life. They drive too fast and over the speed limit, do dangerous extreme sports, they take drugs to feel out of control, even one day make be caught shop lifting, and from the outside, people who know them find it hard to understand the behaviour as it’s ‘not like them’ generally to be this way.

When we first commit to our romantic partner, the psyche is feeling excited by the newness of the relationship, but as the limerence stage fades away, and the domesticity of a relationship takes over, it starts to yearn to break away from all the rules and regulations of a relationship, and looks for an opportunity to split away from this life temporarily (it still wants the security of it in the long-term) and experience some form of risk/change. If an opportunity comes along to start an affair, it will jump at the possibility. To it, the secrecy, the risk, the newness, and the change is just as appealing as the affair person themselves. Of course, this is unconscious, so for both people having an affair, there is an unawareness that this is part of what’s happening.

The psyche still wants to security of the ‘other life’ at home, so separates the two so the person can break the rules without too much guilt. If the psyche allowed the two worlds to merge, the person having the affair may find it too difficult to continue and not give the mind what it seeks. Hence the reason for that unhelpful and hurtful statement by someone who is asked, “how could you do this to me/us?” and the answer, “I just didn’t think.”

This doesn’t excuse the affair, it doesn’t mean most people will end up having an affair (or drive dangerously, take drugs etc) as most of us stick to our principle and suppress this conflict in the mind, but for some, it’s part of what has happened in starting and continuing the affair..

This is only a small piece of the jigsaw and doesn’t make the complete picture. The aim is to add as many pieces as possible to see as much of the picture as you can.

The Spark of Desire.

Esther Perel, the well know author and speaker around relationships, often talks about the space between a couple that creates desire and a healthy sex life. Once this space is closed, the desire drops. Like a spark plug in a car can only spark if there is a gap between the bottom and core electrodes, close the gap and the spark doesn’t happen. This happens in relationships. Close the gap and the spark of desire stops.

So, what does this mean?

When we first meet, we spend some time apart. This creates mystery, a separateness, we can imagine and fantasise about our partner, think about who they are, the parts of them we don’t know yet, we can look at them from a distance, see them in their other life, and all this creates desire. The desire drives the sexual connection between you. When you meet up, this sexual energy between you transforms into physical closeness and wants, and creates the sexual energy between you.

But at some point, if your relationship develops, the needs of each partner changes. Now we need security, closeness, reliability, trustworthiness, and a gradual merging of two separates into one. Now your partner doesn’t have another life, it’s the life you live together and the mystery starts to drop. You no longer fantasise about what they might be wearing, what their day has been, when will you next see them. All this is now known and predictable. Add in the domesticity, child rearing, financial strain, and the merging of two different upbringings and views on life, slowly this closes the gap between you. As the gap closes, the relationship deepens, but the desire drops.

With Covid, this gap has closed even more. Often both partners have been working in the same home, have been sharing home learning for their children, and there’s been little space for life outside this bubble. Consequently, not only has the relationship struggled, but sex has been well and truly been put on the ‘we’ll look at that later’ shelve.

So how do you create that gap between you to allow a spark of desire to grow?

Date nights, separate interests and hobbies, doing things together outside of the norm, new experiences together, flirting with each other, these can all trigger more desire. Talking together about what does create a sexual desire in you, perhaps it’s being romanced, or your partner wearing sexy clothes etc can build on this.

Try stepping out of the safety of the core relationship to develop the spark again.

The Ego. Is it Destroying Your Relationship?

The Ego is often referred to by psychodynamic therapists and its origins are with Freud.

Deepak Chopra an Indian-American author and alternative medicine advocate, describes the Ego as our false self.

The Ego is also described by the spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle as the mind, that we’re not our mind, so it interferes with us being in the moment and enjoying life by swamping us with thinking. Instead of admiring a wonderful sunset and being present in that moment, the ego needs feeding, so while you are doing this, swamps you with overthinking and worrying about the next day’s work you have. The next day isn’t there, but the Ego makes it figural, and the joy of the sunset gets buried under the worry of the project you have to finish tomorrow.

We can assume the Ego isn’t us and has its own agenda. The Ego feeds itself with charged emotions, so it can feel superior, and you might notice you are very judging of people, it can attack us, so you might notice how you put yourself down, it might create lots of drama, and you notice yourself being unhappy and blaming someone else, or it needs praise, so you might notice you are a people pleaser.

The Ego and egoic thinking also gets involved in your relationship. If your partner is late, if they have forgotten something, or if they are moody and depressed, you as a person would try and understand why this has happened and perhaps calmly talk about it. But the Ego sees a chance to create the negative emotions it needs to feed on, so will instantly jump in with an attack, and in turn, your partner’s Ego will need to defend itself and attack back. You could both be angry, say hurtful things, even throw objects, which when you calm down (the Ego has done its job and feels full and satisfied, so now goes into a rest period) you then regret what you have done and said, and at times may not believe you could behave that way. This type of egoic behaviour destroys relationships.

To understand the Ego and how it tricks you into feeling unhappy, aggrieved, angry or anxious, Eckhart Tolle’s book, The New Earth is a great way to understand this, and make changes so it stops controlling you and wrecking your relationship.

How Do Affairs Happen?

How do Affairs Happen, an article from the Gottman Institute

Witten by Jinashree Rajendrakumar . Jinashree is a Certified Gottman Couple Therapist from India.

WHAT WENT WRONG?

It is hurtful and devastating when an affair shatters a relationship’s trusted stability. It leaves both partners to pick up the pieces before starting all over again, which is painful. One of the questions that plague partners recovering from an affair is “What went wrong?” Even when individuals and relationships are unique, is there a commonality across affairs?

Dr. John Gottman with Dr. Caryl Rusbult and Dr. Shirley Glass explained an affair as a cascade of steps that culminate in a transgression. It all starts with the bid for attention. If it sounds like a simplified excuse for an affair, it is not. When one can’t count on their partner to be available in their time of need, it leads to unfavourable comparisons, emotional distance, and eventual betrayal, if not the demise of love. Based on research, the steps that lead to betrayal (the Gottman-Rusbult-Glass Cascade) are as follows.

TURNING AWAY

Partners can make an emotional bid that is met with turning away or against instead of turning toward. Turning away would include ignoring or being preoccupied with something else while turning against would be a retort or a lash back. When “Would you like to plan for the weekend?” is met with silence or “Can’t you see that I am busy?” the bidding partner feels rejected and hurt. Over time repeated failed bids lead to reiterating the belief that “you are not there for me,” and trust associated with the partner starts to erode gradually. An anticipatory rejection starts to flood (stress) the bidding partner, making them feel vulnerable, insignificant, or unwanted.

NEGATIVITY AND AVOIDANCE

The bidding partner soon enters the negative absorbing state, which is the negative affect from past failed bids building up with every new failed bid. It gets easier to get into the negative state but challenging to exit, resulting in a persistent negative state of mind. Soon unheeded requests turn out to be stressful and pointless arguments. Therefore bidding partner suppresses feelings and needs, leading to avoidance of conflict and self-disclosure.

INVESTING LESS AND COMPARING MORE

When partners favourably evaluate the relationship compared to other alternatives, they are more likely to stay committed to the relationship, as Thibaut and Kelley suggest. Therefore, the unfavourable comparisons propel a relationship towards a lack of commitment and betrayal. The bidding partner starts negatively comparing the partner with a real or imaginary partner who would make them feel cherished. As approaching the partner with an emotional bid is found futile, bidding and investing in the partner reduces, while substituting begins.

FEELING LESS DEPENDENT AND MAKING FEWER SACRIFICES

As Rusbult notes, commitment is a gradual process of making a good comparison level for the relationship within alternatives. Similarly, the opposite process of un-commitment is a gradual process of damaging comparison levels with other options. Commitment leads people to make sacrifices while building interdependency. It also leads to disparaging alternatives in comparison to their partner. As reliability or dependability on the partner lessens, trust reduces. The partner opens up to others and engages in talks (or self-talks) that magnify the relationship’s negative qualities.

TRASHING VS. CHERISHING

As one maximizes the partner’s negative qualities, one also minimizes positive characteristics. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling) become rampant. Dr. Gottman suggests that people committed to their relationship cherish their partner by reminiscing about the positives with gratitude, even when not together. An essential part of a relationship, cherishing and expressing gratitude, is replaced with trash-talking the partner (directly and in front of others).

RESENTMENT AND LONELINESS IN RELATIONSHIP

Gratitude for the partner becomes replaced with bitterness. Resentment seeps in with silent arguments such as feeling the partner is selfish and uncaring. There is loneliness enhanced with unfavourable comparisons like “my ex would have understood me better” or “my colleague is more there for me than my partner.” With loneliness, vulnerability to other relationships increases. The built-up resentment results in low sexual desire and impersonal sex. The refusal to have sex may result in the partner’s blaming, leading to further feelings of rejection, and the affair cascade intensifies.

IDEALIZING ALTERNATIVE RELATIONSHIPS

There is less dependency on a partner, less reliance on the relationship for meeting essential needs, less investment in the relationship while idealizing alternative relationships, and thinking fewer positive pro-relationship thoughts. Instead, anti-relationship thoughts take over like “maybe we will be better off without each other,” “it may be a relief to let go of the relationship than hold on,” etc. The window between the partners is replaced with a wall, as the window opens up to outsiders. Other harmless liaisons provide the safe house.

SECRETS AND CROSSING BOUNDARIES

Secrets begin with omission. The other patterns such as inconsistencies, lies, confidence violations follow. While in cherishing relationships, interactions with others that hurt the partner are avoided, in denigrating relationships, ties with others are sought to fill the prevailing emotional gaps. As the hiding increases with the partner, there is an active turning toward others, and at a vulnerable moment, boundaries are crossed, and actual betrayal unfolds.

As one partner goes through the cascade of betrayal, the other partner experiences the ground sinking beneath their feet. Trust is broken and, over time, may develop into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Limerence in Affairs

Limerence;

Noun;

the state of being obsessively infatuated with someone, usually accompanied by delusions of or a desire for an intense romantic relationship with that person:

Limerence is a state that can happen between two people in the early part of a romantic relationship. Dorothy Tennov coined the term "limerence" for her 1979 book, Love and Limerence. She studied hundreds of people and built on past research that shows this can play a big part in the early stages of a romantic relationship.

Perhaps through a release of different hormones, the person experiencing this intoxicating feeling will be experiencing obsessive thinking about their (new) partner, constantly daydream about being together, and will be experiencing a certain amount of bias thinking, so their partner will have no faults, no irritating habits, is a soulmate, understands them like no other person, and can do no wrong.

The feeling lasts with some people only a few months, but for many it can take 2 years to start lessening. This is why couples often say, “I wish we could be what we were before” or “he/she has changed so much.”

So understanding limerence, it’s easy to see how this plays a part in an affair. The person who is having the affair is now experiencing this wonderful feeling which is almost like a drug. The person they are having the affair with is so understanding, so much fun, makes them feel young and sexy and they talk for hours on end. No wonder the partner left at home is unable to live up to all this and supply the same feeling.

Of course, with the affair partner, limerence will eventually end and suddenly they won’t seem quite as sexy, fun and great to be around, and your feelings about them and yourself will return to more ‘normal’ levels. That is not to say the relationship with the affair partner can’t grow into a long-term and rewarding relationship, but many people have found that living with the affair person in a long-term relationship doesn’t work and the once wonderful relationship crumbles and fades in time.

In therapy, this is explored, to try and understand the true feelings of the person having/had the affair, and separate, if possible, the feelings of limerence so they have more sense of what relationship (and with whom) they want going forward.

Relationship Patterns when in Distress

Relationship Patterns when in Distress

When a relationship is going through a tough time, each partner will fall into a set pattern of behaviour. Most of these patterns are formed when we are young and how our main care givers react to us in moment’s of our distress. We may forget what happened when we were young, but the pattern of behaviour is already fixed by the time we reach adulthood.

For example, perhaps when we were young, if we felt hurt or sad and went to one of our parents, and then the parent shouted at us for disturbing them, or interrupting their TV programme (and maybe it’s just the parent doesn’t know how to deal with emotional distress) we will quickly learn to suppress our feelings to ‘keep out of trouble.’ As we become adults, this behaviour will be repeated and we will withdraw from any emotionally difficult situations or discussions. We end up being a withdrawer.

If in the same situation, if you went to a parent and they seemed withdrawn and uninterested in your distress, you may have learnt that you had to keep repeating how you felt before you got any attention from them. You learn this as a pattern and become a pursuer.

Obviously part of how parents are with us is because they have learnt to be a pursuer or a withdrawer from their childhood.

In a current relationship, and in an argument, the pursuer will constantly keep ‘going on’ as they have learnt this is how they get reassurance and answers they need to feel okay, whereas the withdrawer has learnt not to deal with ‘emotional things’ so will go quiet and withdraw to experience the lack of emotional pressure they need to feel okay.

Look at the list overleaf and try and work out what you and your partner are, and how this might work as a fixed pattern when you want to discuss emotional issues, or when you end up arguing. It’s important to understand that there’s not a right or wrong on what we are, it’s just a case of this is what we have learnt, and by exploring this, it can be adjusted if it causes problems in a relationship.

By gaining more understanding, it will be easier to then look at how to change what is happening in the relationship.

Pursuer

• Will keep an argument going as needs answers

• Will make lots of demands

• Will blame or criticise

• Voice will become louder and louder

• Will make physical gestures such as finger pointing or show facial anger

• Will fuel current feelings by bringing up past arguments

All these actions will be driven by the need to be reassured, to feel loved, and to check out their partner still cares.

Withdrawer

• Will avoid eye contact

• Will want to leave the room

• Will try changing the subject

• Will appear to not be listening

• May use physical gestures like crossing arms, turning the body away and looking down

• May leave the room/house saying they can’t cope

All these actions are driven by being overloaded with emotions, to try and avoid being criticised and being ‘told off,’ and needing space to try and avoid the feelings.

In a poor relationship, the pursuer constantly chases the withdrawer for reassurance and answers but the withdrawer won’t ‘stay with it,’ the withdrawer needs to get away but is constantly 'chased.'

In a good relationship, the pursuer learns that the withdrawer needs space and time, so reduces their own actions and intensity, and the withdrawer learns that the pursuer needs them to stay with it, so learns to adjust the urge to ‘run away.’

Divorce in the UK

At The Relationship Centre, we see many couples repair a poor relationship, and grow a healthier version to move forward with. But some marriages can be beyond repair or does not get the support it needed at the time, and these end up in divorce. Recently an article on the BBC Website reports the growing numbers of divorces in England and Wales. Seeing a Relationship Counsellor soon enough while there is a chance to change what’s happening is so important for a struggling relationship.

As we get towards the end of a year of deaths, anxiety, and lockdowns, what will these figures be next year?

Affairs

Affairs.

For many relationships, the biggest test it can face is is an affair by one of the partners. Many couples feel they can’t recover from this, but with the right therapy, many do, and many also find they can have a stronger relationship than pre-affair.

The therapy helps deal with the turmoil of emotions, the hurt, loss, and trauma of the partner who has been betrayed, and the shame, guilt, and embarrassment of the partner who has been unfaithful. Of course, these feelings are not always present as there may be denial or even a justification of what happened, and this is also looked at. We help a couple make sense of the affair, repair the hurt, start to rebuild trust, and look at how they can build a much stronger future relationship.

Tom talks here about affairs and therapy.

Sliding Door Moments

At times in life we meet moments that might change our life. I made this short video about these moments….

Video