There is one act that can rip a relationship apart. It can cause intense painful emotions, feelings of loss, anger, disbelief, and totally change how a person sees themselves and the world. Even the word can cause strong and different feelings in each person.
Tina talking on National TV about Affairs
An Affair (Infidelity) -creating a secret attachment to another person outside the relationship.
The ultimate betrayal of a relationship. This doesn’t just have to be where the partner is having sex with another person. Lying and meeting someone for a coffee, sending texts, or any behaviour that is carried out without their partner knowing, creates the same feelings of being betrayed, and trust is still broken regardless of the act.
When infidelity happens in a relationship, the emotional fall-out, and the feeling of the world being pulled from under the feet of the relationship, can leave a couple not knowing where to turn. How can the relationship survive this? Is it over? Are you leaving or staying? How do we tell friends and family? What about the children?
The person who feels betrayed goes into a state of shock. Even if they in hindsight knew something ‘was going on,’ it still feels like a massive punch to the stomach. Many affairs are discovered (often through technology nowadays) and even the fact that it’s been discovered, rather than admitted to, causes the feeling of betrayal to intensify.
The head will fill with so many questions and statements and it’s often too overwhelming to even try and sort it out.
How did I not know?
How could he/she do this to me/my children?
How will I ever live without them?
Am I really that ugly/boring/worthless?
What am I going to do?
The person who has betrayed their partner will also be swamped with emotions. Shame and guilt, sometimes relief that it’s been discovered, disbelief in what they have done, justification because of being in a poor relationship. They may be unsure of what they want, how to move forward. Do they leave or stay? Can this mess be sorted out? Who do they love, or do they love neither or both their partner and the affair partner? How can they face their children/parents?
Research by expert Janis Abrahms has shown each partner may experience feelings/thoughts such as;
The unfaithful Partner;
Relief (I don’t have to keep lying)
Impatience (I’ve said sorry, why do they keep going on about it)
Chronic Anxiety (what will people think)
Justified Anger (I only did it because you treated me like you did)
Absence of Guilt (it’s not such a big thing)
Guilt over the children (what have I done)
Isolation (there’s no one there for me)
Hopelessness (there’s no way this relationship will work)
Paralysis (I don’t know which person to stay with)
Self-Disgust (I feel like awful/dirty/a terrible person)
Loss (grieving over the loss of the affair person)
The Hurt partner;
Why it’s important to talk about the Affair
Identity (now this has happened I don’t know how I am)
Loss of feeling special ( I thought I was special to you, now I see I’m disposable)
Loss of self-respect ( I do anything to get you back, even go against my values or diet/change the colour of my hair/admit it was my fault when I know it wasn’t)
Being self-critical (why was I so stupid not to see this was going on)
Feeling out of control ( is my mind going crazy/why is my body being like this)
Having to see the world differently ( I thought I knew what the world was but now it makes no sense to me)
Loss of connections with others ( I can’t tell anyone, they will judge me or him/her)
Loss of sense of purpose (what’s the point of life- possible depression/anxiety)
Loss of self-esteem (I must be ugly/worthless, nobody will want me)
Anger (I want to hurt them/the affair person)
Extreme behaviours ( obsessively stalking the affair person/constantly checking/ being unfaithful yourself to get even)
The results are so messy, that even if the affair is ended, the couple struggle to know what to do. All the old hurt, arguments and blame surface, and these get in the way of trying to find a way forward.
Affair Recovery Counselling is the first step. Drawn from the research and knowledge of Shirley Glass, Esther Perel, the Gottmans and Janis Abrahams, this counselling explores the affair directly, what it means to the relationship, and discovers whether the couple can move from this into couple counselling to build a new relationship.
Sometimes the couple comes to the realisation that the relationship needs to end, but many learn that with the right therapy, they can build a new and stronger relationship. Affair Recovery Counselling differs from general relationship counselling as it focuses on the affair, what it means to the couple, how to start rebuilding trust, and respect, so when the couple counselling starts, the foundation for effective counselling has been laid.
This type of counselling can often produce a feeling of hope. Hope that the relationship can grow, that trust can be rebuilt, hope that the couple have a future. The counselling is not always easy, especially at first, but gradually the damage is repaired and the recovery process starts to take place. Some of this work is Acceptance & Forgiveness Therapy, and also working with Shame and Guilt.
Why it’s important not to put off talking about the affair until tomorrow.
Post Affair Trauma (P.A.T) is often experienced in the wake of an affair. Normally experienced by the hurt partner, it can occasionally be experienced by both partners.
P.A.T is similar to P.T.S.D (post-traumatic stress disorder), caused by the trauma of finding out your partner has been unfaithful. This will cause hyper-vigilance in the internal survival mechanisms, causing flashbacks, strong imagined (real or not) images, a feeling of being on high-alert and constantly looking for evidence of further ‘danger.’ This means the process of rebuilding can only take place once the P.A.T response has subsided and the intensity lowers. If appropriate, we offer the Rewind Technique, an established approach in trauma therapy, which can help calm the trauma brain, so the couple can then move into general couple counselling without the intensity of the P.A.T response undermining the recovery.
It’s important to also understand that post affair, a grieving process starts as the mind tries to come to terms with the ‘loss’ and this will create intense feelings of shock, anger, guilt, shame and hopelessness. We help you work through this.
The Post Affair Grief Cycle Handout
How it works.
If the couple have experienced an affair, the Affair Recovery Counselling starts, and at some point, if the couple have decided to stay together, gradually the counselling moves into other areas of their relationship, and it becomes the more standard couple counselling. There isn’t a fixed programme of how many sessions are needed, it’s dependant upon the counselling proceeds and when the couple are ready to let go of the damaged relationship and start building a new better version from that point. The early part of the affair recovery may mean that you see your counsellor individually for 1 or 2 sessions to help with the healing. This will be specialised therapy for the person betrayed to help calm the PAT trauma response and the person who has had the affair to work with their shame/guilt. This helps both partners in the overall couple work.
Using the Gottman Approach focuses on 3 phases that the couple are supported through; Atonement - Attunement - Attachment
Recovery is possible.
Atonement centers on working with the painful feelings and helping them settle, rebuilding trust, working through how and why the affair happened, and how the couple can cope the best they can while making the repairs needed. This can be a difficult stage as the rawness and pain of the affair is still present, but as the difficult feelings are worked through gradually in the sessions more hope can grow around moving forward with what is needed.
Attunement focuses on any problems in the relationship prior to the affair. Once the pain of the affair has lessened, it gives the couple chance to reassess the relationship they had. This doesn’t mean the relationship was the reason the affair happened, but sometimes the way the relationship was made it vulnerable to an affair, and by exploring this, it does give the couple a chance to have a sense of what kind of relationship they want in the future. Sometimes the slight separation and independence both partners need in a relationship to thrive becomes too large. The danger if this happens, is something or someone might fill it. This is the tipping point when the relationship is in a danger zone and vulnerable to an affair by one or both partners as they seek to fill the void.
Affair Recovery Timeline
Attachment looks at recovering intimacy, positivity and love back into the relationship. This is the time to build relationship number 2 from the ashes of the destroyed relationship number 1. Often couples find that they have developed a stronger bond than they had originally.
We specialise in rebuilding trust and working with the shame an affair creates, and through working with affairs for many years, we know how to support both of you, to get through this, together.
The repair is not a linear journey, and the above stages are often visited more than once, but this is the general model we use and hold while working with you. Once the relationship is on track, and agreeing with the work of Michele Weiner-Davis, it’s then looking at how you make your relationship Affair-Proof for the future.
There are more videos on our resources page.
Handouts;