Sex. How should it be and how do we get it right?
Often couples will talk about the issues and problems in their sex life, and the therapist’s job is to break these statements down and understand what is really happening.
One partner claiming they ‘don’t have sex enough’ might be saying, I’m not given a chance to feel close and connected, or ‘if they don’t want sex with me,’ it means they don’t love me. Another person who is saying they’re ‘not interested in sex’, might be saying they would be if they felt less tired, their partner was a more considerate lover, or if it wasn’t so painful.
Sex is only a problem in the relationship if it’s a problem for one or both partners. If both partners are happy with their sex life even if they only make love once a year, them the pressure from society, TV and friends, shouldn’t make this a problem for them. There’s no written sex-rules of only many times and how it should be for couples, it’s what is right for them.
If sex is an issue, then rather than see the other person as the problem, the couple need to discuss what is happening for them and see the messages underneath the original feelings/thoughts. This is often done in a counselling session as the counsellor can help guide the couple in making it a positive discussion to see if changes can be made.
Of course, sometimes the place both partners are with sex and their feelings about it can be very different and it can’t change, the couple need to come to terms with this and not let it be figural in causing a big disconnect. All they can do is to focus on other ways their needs can be met in the relationship, and so still feel more loved, cared for, close and connected.