Relationship Patterns when in Distress
When a relationship is going through a tough time, each partner will fall into a set pattern of behaviour. Most of these patterns are formed when we are young and how our main care givers react to us in moment’s of our distress. We may forget what happened when we were young, but the pattern of behaviour is already fixed by the time we reach adulthood.
For example, perhaps when we were young, if we felt hurt or sad and went to one of our parents, and then the parent shouted at us for disturbing them, or interrupting their TV programme (and maybe it’s just the parent doesn’t know how to deal with emotional distress) we will quickly learn to suppress our feelings to ‘keep out of trouble.’ As we become adults, this behaviour will be repeated and we will withdraw from any emotionally difficult situations or discussions. We end up being a withdrawer.
If in the same situation, if you went to a parent and they seemed withdrawn and uninterested in your distress, you may have learnt that you had to keep repeating how you felt before you got any attention from them. You learn this as a pattern and become a pursuer.
Obviously part of how parents are with us is because they have learnt to be a pursuer or a withdrawer from their childhood.
In a current relationship, and in an argument, the pursuer will constantly keep ‘going on’ as they have learnt this is how they get reassurance and answers they need to feel okay, whereas the withdrawer has learnt not to deal with ‘emotional things’ so will go quiet and withdraw to experience the lack of emotional pressure they need to feel okay.
Look at the list overleaf and try and work out what you and your partner are, and how this might work as a fixed pattern when you want to discuss emotional issues, or when you end up arguing. It’s important to understand that there’s not a right or wrong on what we are, it’s just a case of this is what we have learnt, and by exploring this, it can be adjusted if it causes problems in a relationship.
By gaining more understanding, it will be easier to then look at how to change what is happening in the relationship.
Pursuer
• Will keep an argument going as needs answers
• Will make lots of demands
• Will blame or criticise
• Voice will become louder and louder
• Will make physical gestures such as finger pointing or show facial anger
• Will fuel current feelings by bringing up past arguments
All these actions will be driven by the need to be reassured, to feel loved, and to check out their partner still cares.
Withdrawer
• Will avoid eye contact
• Will want to leave the room
• Will try changing the subject
• Will appear to not be listening
• May use physical gestures like crossing arms, turning the body away and looking down
• May leave the room/house saying they can’t cope
All these actions are driven by being overloaded with emotions, to try and avoid being criticised and being ‘told off,’ and needing space to try and avoid the feelings.
In a poor relationship, the pursuer constantly chases the withdrawer for reassurance and answers but the withdrawer won’t ‘stay with it,’ the withdrawer needs to get away but is constantly 'chased.'
In a good relationship, the pursuer learns that the withdrawer needs space and time, so reduces their own actions and intensity, and the withdrawer learns that the pursuer needs them to stay with it, so learns to adjust the urge to ‘run away.’