What to do when we have two different views?
For most couples, there are many times when a disagreement ends up being resolved, or if not, it’s possible to agree to disagree.
But some issues are fixed by two very strong and different views, and neither of the couple wants to back down as they feel their view is the valid and right one. This might be about finances, parenting, sex or the way the household should be run. We bring our own story into these views and because they feel so right, we just can’t let them go and accept another view. So how do you stop this type of conflict causing a problem in the relationship?
The secret is to change the way you are communicating. In situations like this, the normal style is a debating style, two people trying to show their view is the right one and why the other person should change. The problem is with a debating style is if both people are determined not to change, then it can become heated and ineffective. Just think of the USA style presidential debates. They often become a mud-slinging meeting, and neither person really listens to the other views.
The better style is the storyteller and journalist style. In this style, the storyteller is simply telling their story about the subject. This might be how they feel about it, why they think they have that view, where it might have developed (most times it’s our up-bringing) when they first remember having the view, what might happen to them as a person if they didn’t have it. It may not be easy to talk this way at first, so it needs practice, and you’re not trying to convince you’re right, instead, you’re just letting someone into your world around this subject.
The journalist can have an even harder time changing the normal default style. The journalist job is just to be interested in the story, not putting their own views over, not having to agree or disagree or think about their own thoughts and feelings on this, but just to get the story. They can ask questions to draw out more understanding and to have more information, so if they were going to write an article on this, it would really be able to express this other person’s inner world on this subject.
Once this part has finished, you take a 15-20-minute break and swap roles. In doing this, although the ‘problem’ doesn’t get fixed and it stays as one of those perpetual issues all relationships have, you both come away feeling you have been understood more, and you also have more understanding of your partner in this as you’ve been able to really listen. Sometimes that can be enough for some small compromises naturally happening.