Sometimes black can mean white….
We all think we say what we mean. But sometimes, this isn’t the case, and in arguments with our partner, this often happens. Our emotional brain hijacks our thinking and we end up not expressing ourselves fully, but instead let the feelings of hurt and anger drive our words. Here’s a number of examples we probably all recognise.
The person whose partner is late back from an engagement says with anger, “you’re always late, you never think of anyone but yourself” but really wants to say, “ I was worried and I feel you don’t care about me, and it makes me feel insecure. Could you in the future just let me know if you’re going to be late so I know you’re thinking about me?”
The person who gets defensive when their partner talks about having children says, “all you ever do is go on, I said we’ll talk about it some when” when really they want to say, “having children worries me and I find the subject hard to talk about.”
The person who criticises their partner for what they wear on a night out with their friends is really saying, “I miss you and I wish we could go out more.”
By calming the emotions before speaking can mean your message gets through. So finding what soothes and calms you is an important part of making a better relationship, whether that’s a brief walk, a crossword, sport or just a few moments of deep breathing.
The calmer we are, the more our words impact in the right way.